like all mails i dont know where this is going and i dont know why am i
doing this. maybe a better way to express myself than floundeing about in
the dark like always when talking to you.
now i know what pet shop boys said thru their song " always on my mind"
generally when i play bady i get so involved and enjoy myself so thoroughly
that i forget all else, and even if something is important it is sidelined
for the timebeing because i know nothing can be achieved by fretting over
it, and when i sit down to tackle stuff after a good game alll is hunky
dory and issues dont seem so big.
Today i dont know what happened when i started playin and when we ended, it
was all in automatic transmission (wish i had this in my car as well). what
i did have and what i remembered...nope not remembered...cause u remember
stuff that u forget ...
all i know is that u were floating on my mind, everywhere, and i felt
heavy. ( u better start exercising regularly)
yeah now the humour comes....wonder why it deserted me when i needed
it.....somehow couldnt see the lighter side of anything.....
i guess a facing of my feelings will do me a lot of good, so here goes:
Sad:: heaviness of heart, why oh why do i end up doing something stupid....
Frustration: Done something stupid...okay i can live with that...no big
issues, but not knowing what i did ....driving me up the wall...wits end.
why oh why am i in a situation which i want to improve and am not able to
make no headway
what happened today ...how did your mood change from when we spoke
about your job and with poo till when i went to play badminton. ?
What happened yesterday.... i slept off in the middle of something
but where did the fight come from ....what was the issue that i had left
pending?? rather issueS
What happened on 14th what action of mine prompted you to feel so
pissed off with me?
all questions dangling in my head among so many others....zillions more
which i have forgotten....or remember at some point of time to promptly
forget again.
Anger.....doing the same stupidity again and again....am i a child who
doesnt know how to learn from experiences...am i so dumb....i know i am not
so why am i acting like someone i know i aint and why the hell am i doing
stuff i dislike, and why cant i live up to my word...
Determination: To become a better person, someone i can trust with my life
knowing all my shortcomings and failures...
then and only then can i expect you to trust me completely and have faith
in me so that I become very very very close to you.
Cause i want me to be really close to u and somehow knowing that u are
close to me is just not enough. iwant More much much more.....guess i cant
have enough of you....
Irritation: and i would be lying if i didnt admit there was a slight bit of
irritation that we have another issue at hand, apparently out of thin air
and why the hell do i end up spending so much time trying to resolve
something that i probably wont be able to and is it worth the time (pretty
scarce commodity :-(( )
But you are worth the time rather all the time...and i know i will keep on
trying ...whatever it takes...however long it takes....
till now frankly speaking it just didnt matter to anyone how i was and
though i always endeavoured to improve myself there was no real downside to
my doing something which i didnt in my heart of hearts want to do....there
was always the feeling that i could have done better and that there was
always another time and a lesson for next time to be imbibed and
followed.....whether the following happened or not or was forgotten or lost
somewhere in my hectic life just didnt matterto anyone else but me
(actually am wrong...has always mattered to mom and dad...majorly.. but
since my interaction was all about general issues...it didnt get diuscussed
)...and since i forgot half the time....:-)
where something was able to get thru all these defences....it got acted
upon...no doubt...but these things were few and far in between...
Now with you it makes a hell of a difference about what i say or feel or
do. i know it affects you and i can see the result in your reactions,
feelings, etc. And with my shortcomings staring me in the face...it is not
a pleasant sight....because for the first time my image of myself being a
sweet and considerate person is shaken badly. reality bites.
But that in itself is pretty good because it makes me realize i have a goal
to achieve in my journey to become someone i can look at in the mirror at
night and give a smile and wink at before sleeping. And am all the more
determined to work on it.
What really gets to me is that knowing what i have to do, i am not making
progress....rather i end up comitting the same mistakes.
i will persevere....i want to ....i need to.....i have to.....i am not
going to lose you.
i am going to become a man...i owe it you and to myself.
